Can a Narcissist Change? Understanding the Possibilities and Limits

In the world of relationships and personality quirks, one question often sparks fierce debates: Can a narcissist change? For many people dealing with narcissistic behaviour, this isn’t just academic curiosity—it’s a crucial question that touches families, friendships, and even workplaces. Today, let’s peel back the layers of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and consider if real, lasting change is possible.

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Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Narcissistic personality disorder is more than the occasional selfie addiction or a tendency to dominate conversations. NPD is a clinically diagnosed mental health condition characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a pervasive need for admiration, and a significant lack of empathy.

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Key Narcissistic Traits

• Inflated sense of self-importance
• Persistent need for admiration
• Lack of empathy for others
• Exploitative or manipulative behaviour patterns
• Fragile self-esteem beneath the bravado

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These personality traits aren’t just quirks—they’re woven deeply into the sense of self for people with NPD. It means change isn’t a quick fix, but a process that requires time, skill, and often professional support.

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Why Do Narcissists Act the Way They Do?

Imagine carrying around a balloon labelled “self” that you constantly have to keep inflated through praise, achievements, and, sometimes, by deflating others. Narcissistic tendencies are rooted in a complex interplay of genetics, upbringing, and environmental factors. Many people with NPD report a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy (ironic, right?), masked by a façade of entitlement and so-called “confidence”.

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Can a Narcissist Change? The Possibility and the Process

Is Change Possible?

Yes, but it’s a rare and uphill climb. Let’s not sugarcoat it: narcissistic personality disorder is considered one of the most difficult personality disorders to treat, partly because the disorder itself can make self-awareness and motivation for change scarce.

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Yet, research shows that change is possible. Not all people with NPD will change, but those who do usually share a few critical ingredients:

• Desire to Change: Without a genuine internal desire, no amount of therapy will stick. This is often the greatest stumbling block.
• Self-Awareness: Recognising one’s patterns, even reluctantly, is the first step. For many narcissists, this comes after significant personal loss, relationship breakdowns, or mounting life stress.
• Clinical Support: Psychotherapy—especially approaches like schema therapy—has been shown to help people with NPD develop healthier emotional responses and relational skills.
• ‍Support from Others: Change isn’t a solo effort. Family, friends, and sometimes support groups play a crucial role.

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Therapy and Treatment: What Works?

Schema Therapy: Rewiring the Mind

Schema therapy is particularly promising for NPD because it targets the maladaptive patterns (schemas) that underpin narcissistic tendencies. These schemas are like emotional blueprints—often formed in childhood—that shape how a person views themselves and others.

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For someone with NPD, schemas might include “I am special,” “I deserve more,” or “Others exist to admire me.” Schema therapy gently challenges these beliefs and encourages developing new, healthier coping skills. It’s not about “fixing” the person, but helping them build a more flexible, resilient sense of self.

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT is another tool in the toolbox, especially for addressing behaviours and thought patterns that cause distress. CBT can help a person recognise when their need for admiration or entitlement is sabotaging their relationships or mental health.

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Group and Family Therapy

Group therapy offers a chance for people with NPD to receive honest feedback from others—something that’s often lacking in their daily lives. Family therapy is crucial for helping loved ones set boundaries and manage their expectations.

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Medication

There’s no magic pill for NPD itself, but medications can help manage co-occurring issues like anxiety, depression, or mood instability, which often accompany narcissistic personality disorder.

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The Change Process: Step by Step

1. Acknowledgement: The First Barrier

This is the crucial and most challenging step. For a narcissist, admitting that there’s a problem often feels like betraying their sense of self. It can happen gradually, sometimes prompted by repeated personal crises, relationship breakdowns, or the compassion (and firmness) of a trusted therapist.

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2. Desire and Commitment

The desire to change must come from within. External pressure rarely works—the person must want to develop healthier behaviour patterns and relationships.

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3. Developing Empathy and Emotional Skills

Empathy isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a muscle that can be strengthened. In therapy, people with NPD can practice emotional recognition (identifying their own and others’ emotions) and perspective-taking (imagining how others feel). This is especially important for those who’ve spent a lifetime prioritising their own needs and admiration over connection.

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4. Building Healthier Relationships

This means learning boundaries—both for the person with NPD and their loved ones. It means recognising when narcissistic behaviour becomes abusive and committing to change those patterns.

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5. Sustaining Change

Change isn’t a one-time event. It’s a process—sometimes lifelong—of self-monitoring, feedback, and course correction. Support systems and therapy are essential here.

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Signs of Genuine Change

Increased Self-Awareness and Willingness to Acknowledge Mistakes

At the heart of genuine narcissistic change is a shift in self-awareness. People with NPD are notorious for deflecting blame, but real growth begins when they can see their own patterns—especially the hurtful ones—and admit, “I was wrong.”

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What Does Self-Awareness Look Like?

• Honest reflection: Instead of always spinning the story in their favour, they can look at their actions objectively and accept responsibility. For example, they might say, “I realise I hurt you when I ignored your feelings,” without immediately shifting the conversation back to their needs.
• Curiosity about feedback: They’re not just tolerating criticism—they’re seeking it. This is a rare but crucial sign that someone is genuinely invested in change.
• Owning mistakes: Narcissists who are changing can apologise without excuses, qualifiers, or “but you” statements. They’re learning that vulnerability is not weakness.

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Why is this so hard? Narcissistic personality disorder is built on a fragile sense of self, protected by layers of defensiveness. Peeling those back requires not just courage but also therapy, often with a clinician skilled in schema therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy for personality disorders.

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Empathy: Actions Over Words

Empathy deficits are a hallmark of NPD, which is why observing genuine empathy is one of the most telling signs of change. It’s not about saying “I care”—it’s about showing it through consistent actions.

Signs of Developing Empathy

• Listening to understand, not to respond: They pause to really hear what you’re saying, rather than just waiting for their turn to speak.
• Validating feelings: Instead of dismissing your emotions (“You’re too sensitive”), they acknowledge them: “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
• Acting considerately: They remember important dates, ask about your day, or make small gestures that reflect real attention to your needs, not because they want something, but because they genuinely care about your happiness.

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The Role of Practice

Empathy is a skill, not a switch. In therapy, people with NPD practice perspective-taking exercises, emotional recognition, and “role reversal” to build these muscles. Progress is often slow and non-linear, but with time, these behaviours can become more natural.

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Willingness to Seek Feedback and Adjust Behaviour

Growth is iterative. A narcissist who is truly changing won’t just tolerate feedback—they’ll seek it out and use it to adjust their behaviour.

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What Does This Look Like in Real Life?

• Asking for opinions: “How did that conversation go for you? I want to do better.” These are not just polite questions; they’re sincere invitations for feedback.
• Making visible changes: If you point out a pattern (e.g., interrupting), you’ll notice them catching themselves and stopping, even if it’s not perfect.
• Not taking feedback as a personal attack: The defensiveness that once flared up in the face of criticism starts to subside. They’re able to hear, “That hurt me,” without turning it into a debate.

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Why Is This Important?

For people with NPD, feedback is often filtered through a lens of shame or entitlement. Learning to hear it—and act on it—is a sign of a healthier sense of self and a reduced need for admiration.

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Less Defensiveness When Criticised

Defensiveness is the armour of narcissism. When that armour starts to crack, it’s a sign that real internal work is happening.

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Recognising Decreased Defensiveness

• Accepting responsibility: Instead of blaming others or making excuses, they can say, “I see how my actions affected you.”
• Staying engaged in tough conversations: They don’t stonewall, storm off, or change the subject when things get uncomfortable.
• Expressing curiosity, not contempt: “Can you help me understand why this bothered you?” is a world away from “You’re overreacting.”

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The Underlying Shift

This change reflects a healthier internal narrative. The person is less threatened by imperfection and more open to growth—a marked departure from the rigid, fragile self-image of classic NPD.

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Healthier Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries are the unsung heroes of healthy relationships. For someone with NPD, respecting others’ boundaries (and setting their own) is a sign of maturation.

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Signs of Healthier Boundary-Setting

• Respecting limits: They honour your “no” without manipulation or guilt-tripping.
• Asserting their own needs appropriately: Instead of demanding or expecting special treatment, they can ask for what they need respectfully.
• Recognising autonomy: They understand that you’re a separate person with your own thoughts, feelings, and rights, not an extension of their ego.

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Why Boundaries Matter

For those recovering from NPD, boundaries are a practice of empathy and respect. They’re also a safeguard against slipping back into old patterns of entitlement and exploitation.

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Coping Tips for Those Dealing With Narcissistic Behaviour

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has NPD, protect your mental health:

• Set and enforce boundaries: Say no, and mean it.
• Don’t get caught in power struggles: “Rightness” isn’t the point—well-being is.
• Seek support: Therapy isn’t just for the narcissist.
• Know when to walk away: If the relationship is abusive or destructive, your safety comes first.

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Conclusion: Can a Narcissist Change?

Change is possible—but it’s not guaranteed, and it’s never easy. For those with narcissistic personality disorder, genuine transformation requires desire, clinical support, and a willingness to see themselves—and others—in a new light.

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For those who love them, boundaries and support are non-negotiable. The journey is neither straight nor smooth, but with persistence, healthier relationships and a more balanced sense of self are within reach.