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Did you know that nearly three in 10 U.S. adults say they have used a dating site or app, and more than 40% stated that online dating has made dating easier for them. This surge in digital romance has transformed how we meet and connect, but it has also given rise to manipulative dating behaviours.
One such behaviour, known as benching, has become increasingly common, leaving many singles feeling emotionally sidelined and stuck in romantic limbo. Benching is a dating trend that has emerged in recent years, especially with the rise of online dating and apps.
Welcome to the world of modern dating, where terms like “benching in dating” have become part of our everyday vocabulary. If you’ve ever felt like you’re sitting on the sidelines of someone’s romantic life, waiting for your turn to play, you might be experiencing this emotionally draining phenomenon firsthand.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Benching
What Is Benching in Dating?
Being benched in dating means that, unfortunately, you aren’t a starter in that person’s potential lineup of love. Instead, you are a backup, a member of the B team, a second fiddle, and a reserve who’s being kept around by that person just in case he or she can’t get someone more desirable.
Think of it like this: imagine you’re auditioning for a play, and the director tells you, “You’re great, but we’re going to keep you on standby just in case our lead actor doesn’t work out.” That’s essentially what benching in dating feels like – being kept warm on the bench while someone else gets to play the game.
In other words, benching involves keeping someone interested through intermittent contact without fully committing to a relationship.
The Emotional Landscape of Being Benched
Back-burner relationships can cause emotional distress to those involved, leading to the partner on the receiving end feeling neglected, insecure, or used. The psychological impact extends far beyond simple disappointment. When you’re being benched, you’re essentially being told that you’re “good enough” to keep around, but not “good enough” to be someone’s first choice.
This creates a particularly cruel form of emotional limbo. Unlike ghosting, where the relationship ends abruptly, benching provides just enough hope to keep you invested while offering no real commitment or progression. The mixed signals and false hope make it a challenging situation to navigate in the dating world. Being benched can make you feel confused about where you stand in the relationship, adding to the uncertainty and emotional distress.
The Role of Dating Apps in Modern Benching
How Technology Enables Backup Dating
The growth of online dating and dating apps can make dating seem like shopping for clothes on Amazon, where a search for “cargo pants” will yield over 40,000 results. It can give people the illusion of choice and the opportunity to “select” many people at a time.
Dating apps have fundamentally changed how we approach relationships. After a slump in the early 2010s, dating app revenues have increased every year since 2015, reaching $6.18 billion in 2024, indicating just how integral these platforms have become to modern romance. However, this convenience comes with a cost. Online dating apps make juggling multiple partners easier, allowing users to maintain several romantic interests simultaneously.
The swipe-based nature of these apps creates what researchers call “choice overload.” When presented with seemingly endless options, people develop a fear of missing out (FOMO) that makes them reluctant to fully commit to any single person.
The Illusion of Endless Options
A second trend is the explosion of low-effort ways to stay in contact with many different people. It’s now super easy to keep people engaged by sending a bunch of emojis and sharing cat videos. This technological ease has made it simple to maintain multiple “relationships” simultaneously without investing real emotional energy in any of them. As a result, many individuals find themselves interacting with multiple partners at the same time, which can further complicate the search for genuine connection.
Social media enables us to get back in touch with old flames, keep tabs on potential partners, and seek out compatible people with very little effort. Dating apps in particular give us the illusion that there are endless options, which can leave some people stuck in a state of decision paralysis.
Diving Deeper: The Subtle Nuances of Benching
Benching is not always obvious. Sometimes, it masquerades as casual dating or a slow-building relationship. Often, benching happens after one or two dates, when the connection is still tentative and the other person is unsure about committing. The subtlety lies in the mixed signals and the emotional ambiguity it creates. You might find yourself wondering if you’re overthinking or if the other person is genuinely busy. This grey area is what makes benching so emotionally taxing.
Consider the scenario where someone texts you just enough to keep you interested but never enough to make you feel truly valued. They might compliment you, share memes, or check in sporadically, but when it comes to making plans or deepening the connection, they remain elusive. This kind of sporadic communication keeps you emotionally invested without offering any real progress or commitment. This behaviour keeps you hopeful but also confused.
The Impact of Social Media on Benching
Social media platforms have added a new layer to benching. Liking your posts, watching your stories, or commenting occasionally can be a way to keep you on the radar without any real intention of commitment. This digital breadcrumbing keeps you emotionally tethered, making it harder to move on.
Breadcrumbing refers to the act of giving someone just enough attention online to keep them interested, without any real intention of commitment.
Moreover, seeing your bencher engage with others online can amplify feelings of jealousy and insecurity. The curated nature of social media often paints an idealised picture of others’ lives, which can distort your perception of your own relationship status.
Recognising the Clear Signs You're Being Benched
Communication Patterns That Reveal Benching
Limited availability: Of course, that person isn’t the fire department or Netflix and doesn’t need to be available at all hours. However, if the hours that you can connect seem overly restrictive, such as only between 7 pm and 9 pm on Mondays on odd-number days when the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, that’s a bad sign.
Here are the telltale signs that you’re being kept on someone’s emotional bench:
Inconsistent Communication:
Blowing hot and cold may be fine when it comes to pasta salad, but when a person acts in a very inconsistent manner, it may reflect their internal struggle about how they think about you. You might receive enthusiastic messages one day, followed by radio silence for a week.
One-Sided Interactions:
If you are doing all the work with not nearly enough reciprocation, you are either being benched or dealing with a cat. When you’re always the one initiating conversations, making plans, or showing interest, it’s a clear indication that you’re not a priority.
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Vague Future Plans:
Someone who’s benching you will make non-committal statements about future activities. They might say things like “we should definitely hang out soon” or “let’s plan something for next week”, but never actually follow through with concrete plans.
Mixed Signals:
One moment, they’re telling you how much they enjoy your company, and the next, they’re being distant or unavailable. Some people play games by sending mixed signals to keep you interested without committing. This emotional whiplash is designed to keep you interested while maintaining their options.
The Gut Feeling Factor
Listen to your intuition. It’s not common to go from “I feel like I am being benched” one day to “Yep, we’re exclusive” the next day. Your instincts are often the first to pick up on subtle cues that something isn’t right in the relationship dynamic. A persistent sense of unease can be a red flag that you are being benched.
Why People Engage in Benching Behaviour
The Psychology Behind Keeping Backups
A 2017 study on why people engage in benching revealed that people with unrestricted sociosexuality (an openness to sexual relationships without commitment) and higher scores on sensation seeking (searching for experiences that are new and exciting) were more likely to keep people on the bench.
Research has identified several key motivations for benching behaviour:
Fear of Commitment:
Some people use benching as a way to avoid the vulnerability that comes with genuine emotional intimacy. Keeping other options available is a common strategy for those who fear commitment, as it allows them to maintain flexibility and control in dating scenarios. By keeping multiple options open, they create a psychological safety net that protects them from potential heartbreak.
Ego Validation:
Having multiple people interested in you can provide a significant boost to self-esteem. A team of researchers in the Netherlands asked over 750 people why they kept backburners around. Six main motivations emerged, including the desire for validation and attention.
Convenience and Laziness:
For some, benching is simply the path of least resistance. It requires minimal effort to keep someone interested with occasional messages or social media interactions.
Unrealistic Expectations:
The illusion of endless options can lead people to believe that someone “better” is always just a swipe away. This perpetual search for perfection prevents them from appreciating what they already have.
Attachment Styles and Benching
People who tend towards avoidance may keep someone on the back burner to maintain a degree of emotional distance from their primary interest. By putting this distance between themselves and their partner, they effectively protect themselves from the discomfort of intimacy.
People with anxious attachment styles may keep backup options around out of fear of abandonment – this way, if their primary interest leaves, they have someone to fall back on as an emotional safety net.
Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidance and anxiety, can drive individuals to seek emotional security by keeping backup options or emotional safety nets to compensate for their emotional vulnerabilities.
Understanding attachment styles can provide insight into why someone might engage in benching behaviour. Those with insecure attachment styles often use backup relationships as emotional insurance policies.
The Emotional Toll of Being Benched
Psychological Impact on the Benched Individual
The psychological consequences of being benched extend far beyond simple disappointment:
Decreased Self-Worth:
Constantly being treated as a second option can significantly impact your self-esteem. You might begin to question your value as a romantic partner.
Anxiety and Depression:
The uncertainty and mixed signals characteristic of benching can trigger anxiety disorders. Prolonged exposure to benching can contribute to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, making it harder to cope with emotional ups and downs. The constant emotional roller coaster takes a toll on mental health.
Trust Issues:
Being repeatedly let down by someone you care about can make it difficult to trust future partners. This can create a cycle where your ability to form healthy relationships becomes compromised.
Emotional Exhaustion:
The constant hope and disappointment cycle is mentally and physically draining. Many people report feeling emotionally exhausted after extended periods of being benched.
Strategies for Protecting Yourself From Benching
Setting Healthy Boundaries
The first step in protecting yourself from benching is establishing clear boundaries:
- Communicate Your Needs: Be direct about your expectations for communication frequency, quality time, and relationship progression. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Practising open communication helps clarify intentions, set boundaries, and prevent misunderstandings in the relationship.
- Time Limits: Give yourself a reasonable timeframe for relationship development. If someone isn’t showing genuine interest within that timeframe, it’s time to move on.
- Actions Over Words: Pay attention to what people do, not just what they say. Consistency between words and actions is crucial for building trust.
Recognising Your Worth
For those on the receiving end, the realisation that they’re on the back burner often leads to anger. On the positive side, this anger seems to make it easier to end the relationship. Many who have successfully broken free from a backup plan relationship say that they feel relief, empowerment, and a sense of closure afterwards.
Remember that you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their backup plan. Recognising your worth means:
- Refusing to settle for breadcrumbs of attention
- Prioritising your emotional well-being over someone else’s convenience
- Understanding that the right person will make you a priority, not an option
Focus on building more meaningful connections with people who value and prioritise you, rather than settling for superficial attention.
Building Emotional Resilience
Developing emotional resilience can help you navigate the dating world more effectively:
- Self-Care Practices: Maintain activities and relationships that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of dating. This creates a stable emotional foundation that doesn’t depend on romantic validation. Invest in meaningful connections that support your emotional well-being and foster genuine, fulfilling relationships.
- Support Networks: Surround yourself with friends and family who value and support you. Having strong platonic relationships can provide perspective and emotional support during difficult dating experiences.
- Professional Help: If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who bench you, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you identify patterns and develop healthier relationship strategies.
Moving Forward After Being Benched
The Healing Process
Recovery from being benched involves several stages:
- Acknowledgement: Accept that you were being benched and that this treatment wasn’t acceptable. This isn’t about blame; it’s about recognising the reality of the situation.
- Anger and Grief: It’s natural to feel angry about being treated as a backup option. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment.
- Learning and Growth: Use the experience as an opportunity to learn about your own needs, boundaries, and warning signs to watch for in future relationships. This can help you better identify the qualities of a committed relationship and seek out genuine commitment moving forward.
- Renewed Confidence: Focus on rebuilding your self-confidence and remembering your worth as a potential partner.
Creating Better Dating Experiences
Moving forward successfully means:
- Clearer Communication: Be more direct about your intentions and expectations from the beginning of any new relationship.
- Stronger Boundaries: Don’t compromise your standards or accept treatment that doesn’t align with your values. Seek an exclusive relationship where both partners are clear about their commitment to each other.
- Quality Over Quantity: Focus on forming deeper connections with fewer people rather than spreading your attention across multiple superficial interactions.
- Self-Awareness: Understand your own attachment style and how it influences your dating choices.
The Broader Impact on Dating Culture
How Benching Affects Society
Studies tell us that backburner relationships affect the perpetrator, too, with secretive behaviours leading to increased stress. Benching doesn’t just harm those being benched; it contributes to a broader culture of emotional unavailability and relationship instability.
The normalisation of benching behaviour has created a dating environment where:
- Genuine commitment is increasingly rare
- People expect to be treated as disposable
- Emotional intimacy becomes more difficult to achieve
- Trust in romantic relationships decreases overall
- People are encouraged to constantly seek new potential partners instead of investing in existing relationships
Creating Positive Change
Change starts with individual choices. Be mindful about how you manage your romantic options, and prioritise authenticity and commitment in your relationships. When more people refuse to accept being benched and stop benching others, we can collectively shift dating culture toward greater authenticity and commitment.
Conclusion: Your Worth Isn't Negotiable
Remember that being benched says nothing about your worth as a person or potential partner. It says everything about the other person’s inability to commit, communicate effectively, or treat others with respect.
Benching wastes not only the benchee’s time but also yours, time that could be better spent finding the right person. You deserve someone who chooses you enthusiastically, not someone who keeps you around as a backup plan. Approach each date with the intention of finding a person interested in a genuine connection, rather than someone who is just keeping other potential partners on hold.
The dating world can be challenging, but by recognising the signs of being benched, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritising your emotional well-being, you can navigate it with confidence and self-respect. Don’t settle for being someone’s maybe when you deserve to be someone’s definitely.
Ready to take control of your dating life and mental health? Consider exploring comprehensive wellness resources that can help you build the emotional resilience and self-awareness needed for healthy relationships. Rocket Health offers personalised mental health support to help you navigate dating challenges and build lasting confidence.
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